Sentimental Sunday

Lots has happened since the last blog. The only thing I will specifically mention is that the Cubs not only did not make it to the World Series, but they didn't even win a single playoff game. Swept by the Dodgers. One more reason why I don't like L.A.

I am finding that I have more people in my life who care about me than I often realize. This is such a wonderful thing... but I can't figure out how it came to be this way. I'm not sure what has happened over the course of the past 25 years, but I managed to acquire the best group of friends and family possible. It doesn't matter where I go or how we met or what our connection is to this or that. I am so overwhelmed by the people in my life. I don't deserve all of you, but will hold you tight as long as I possibly can, till you turn blue and go limp.

CUBS WIN!! HOLY COW!!!

Quiz: What Chicago commentator said that line? It's really easy if you watched even the slightest bit of baseball growing up.

Until 2008 baseball is over, my blog will remain red white and blue in honor of my boys, the Chicago Cubs. I have for years been predicting a 2008 World Series victory.... it's the 100 year anniversary since they last won it, and 8 is my jersey number. It only makes sense. So sit back and watch. They clinched a spot in the playoffs on Saturday. October, here we come!

So I apologize for the annoying colors, and the fact that they didn't have royal blue, which is what color it should be. But I love my team with a dying passion that is much too strong considering the fact that I will never know any of these individuals in reality. But I love what they do and the city and fans they represent. .... or something like that.

Any guesses on who they'll face in the World Series? At this point in time, I'm gonna guess maybe the Red Sox... who will either get the wild card or win their division within the next week. If the Cubs do make it, I am going to sell my soul and buy tickets to a World Series game at Wrigley.

Scatterbrained

Does anyone else do these things, or just me? Yesterday I was leaving the store that I will potentially become an assistant manager at, if all goes well (since I haven't technically started the new job I got... I decided to pursue this when they showed interest in hiring me). I was just finalizing my conversation with the store manager. She was wishing me well, and I was thanking her for the chance to come by and observe how the store operates... so then she said bye and I said bye and thanks... and then as the door was half-closed, I heard her say something else. So I kinda grabbed the door and looked back and said, "Sorry? I didn't catch that." And she just looked back, still smiling, and said, "Oh nothing, I was just saying goodbye and take care." So now I'm standing there holding the door...

...

"Oh yeah. Okay, yeah you too. Bye!"

Awkward. Then the other day I was leaving WalMart. You know how they have someone check your receipt on your way out the door? Well, I come along with my stuff, hand the nice man my receipt, and I ask him "How you doin?" While he puts a yellow marker streak across my receipt, he answers, "I'm doin' well. How's everything going for you?" And as he is handing me my receipt, I answer back, "I'm doing well, thanks. How are you?"

... I had apparently forgotten that I already asked him that. Instead of just staring back at me with a blank expression, which I would've expected, the man was kind enough to just re-answer my question... "I'm doing well. Take care, Miss."

It's not that I wasn't paying attention to him. I'm not one of those people who asks a question and doesn't wait for or listen to the answer. I just really wanted to make sure he knew that I was interested in how his day was going... so I asked him twice... (?) This doesn't happen often with me, but from time to time I get these moments of just not communicating well with people. How you doin? Good, you? Yes, I'm good too. How about you? No? You don't want to play this game? Come on, it'll be fun! Watch, now I'll tag you and run around the building and you'll have to chase me.

OCD

I don't think I have it, OCD, but there are things I can be really anal about. Not sure why. I've been noticing it lately, and I don't know how long this one has been going on for... like last weekend. I was the only one home all weekend, so was the only one adding dishes to the dishwasher during that time. Whenever I put silverware in it, I always put one in each little silverware basket thing (you know those little sections). Then when it was time to double-up, I made sure there were exactly two in each thing, and then moved on to three when the time came. Everything had to be even. Why? Details like this are completely unimportant and make no difference in life. Why was that important and how long have I been doing this?

I do other things that aren't really OCD, but are probably totally unnecessary. Like my car's inside light. I always leave it on the off setting, so it never comes on even when I open my door. I set it that way a couple years ago when I was spending lots of time in East Oakland... not the safest part of Oakland. I would often get home from work early in the morning from working a semi-graveyard shift, and wouldn't want the light in my car to reveal that I was a woman, and a white woman at that. So it was a safety thing. But I no longer frequent that part of the city, yet I leave the light at that setting. Why? Just in case? I no longer have that concern. Even when in Oakland, I felt like if I had ever been approached, I would've put up a pretty good fight (not that my swinging fists would've been much of a match for guns, but still... I'd be lying if I said I never imagined taking down a petty thug with my ready and able fisted knuckles). But it's really not an issue any more, nor is it something I think/worry about. But the light continues to remain off at all times.

When I'm walking to my car, no matter where I'm coming from or what time of day or what city I'm in, I always pull my keys out ahead of time, and have my car key ready to go so I can unlock the door as soon as I approach the vehicle. Why? To save time... yes, I suppose. And just in case the situation changes so that for some reason I have to very quickly enter my car and get the engine going and squeal away. ... ?????

The toilet paper HAS to come over the top of the roll.

There are things that I feel like I obsess about without realizing it. And probably without really caring whether or not they remain the way I prefer them to remain. But then I can be a total mess with how things are kept in my room... or just have far-from-organized habits in so many other aspects of my life. Maybe that's normal. It seems normal, 'cause that seems pretty balanced then, doesn't it? Because I'm so focused on completely useless organization in some areas, I can neglect such organization in other areas. ...? Any other neat freaks and slobs out there?

Job Update

I decided not to stay with the job that started on Tuesday. It was a bad fit for me, too much of approaching people, sales sales sales. This new job I got yesterday is as an insurance agent for a company that sells supplemental health/life insurance to union workers. Being the only health insurance company in the U.S. that is itself unionized, it is the only one in this market (since unions usually only buy the services of other union companies when possible), so business keeps growing, and is stable since it's been around since 1924. The downside is it'll be a while till I get a paycheck, since I first have to dish out some money to take training classes and then take the state exam to get my license. Then go through 2 or so weeks of training learning the presentation and how to make appointments, etc. But as soon as I get that down, I'm able to meet with people and sell stuff, which means paycheck for me. What's better about this job than the last is that the people have already said they're interested. They got something in the mail from their union, and filled out a card if they wanted to find out more info and look into supplemental benefits and mailed that in to us. So I will be calling them back, setting up an appointment to meet with them in their home, and going to meet with them and see if they really do want extra insurance or not.

Yes, it is not exactly up my alley. But in the mean time no one else responds to me except these kinds of jobs, so I don't think it's wise to sit around unemployed because I'm being picky. I'll give it a couple months and see if it's a good fit for me and bringing in enough money to pay the bills. If not, I've written another song or two recently, so I can always play my guitar on street corners. Hey... that actually sounds really nice...

It's Labor Day weekend. What are you up to? I'll hopefully meet up with a friend and her family to chill... then do some online training to get ready to take the licensing exam. I know, CRAZY fun. Side note: you should be following the Cubs if you haven't been. I've been predicting they'd win it all this year since about 3-4 years ago. Those of you who've talked to me about the Cubs in that time know this to be true. So mark my words.

Postponing Sleep

I should really be sleeping right now, since I have an early day tomorrow. So this time I'm procrastinating from sleeping - an opportunity I rarely postpone, but tonight I will.

Life has not really been going as planned lately. Not that everything is all haywire, but things just happen differently than one would expect sometimes. I find myself... confused, surprised... often. I have a job now, which I start tomorrow. But even though the job will not be all that bad, I know it's not one I'm going to want to stick with, nor do I think it will give me enough money to pay bills and move out any time soon... even though I do have to move out soon. So why did I take the job? I guess just to get a little money while I continue the job search. I've never had a job that's based 100% on commission, but this one will be, which is not going to work for me, but I'll do my best to get by till something else comes along. Then there are other areas of life. I find that lately how I respond to things that happen to me personally end up being responses that catch me off guard. Where I might've always responded one way to a situation, I find that I feel very differently now. Why is that? Why do we feel so differently when presented with exactly the same circumstances? I guess this is a good reminder that we don't always have life as figured out as we'd like to think we do. I often think that I know myself better than I know anyone. But that has been far from true these past days. So it's been weird, often unsettling, to go through this. But I guess it's good... to get to know myself again. Right?

On another note, I've started smoking again after 2 1/2 years, while simultaneously trying to get back into working out/weights/cardio stuff. Seems counter-productive, but each scratches a different itch. I also wrote another song on my guitar after also about a 2 1/2 year spell of producing nothing. Although I don't like this one... too repetitive, not creative, and the words are just ... words. Not artistic. That's when I realized that I was probably just using that time to vent and express what I've been feeling lately. And it came out as a crappy song which you will never hear. When I come up with something better, you will hear it. Probably on every radio station a million times a day.

Random other thought: now whenever I hear a Kooks song, I think of Germany, 'cause that's where I first heard the band's music. I love how music is so strongly connected to memories, 'cause my memory sucks most of the time. Like the Green Day albums Dookie, Insomniac, and Nimrod always take me back to 9th and 10th grade. Or the first Third Eye Blind album always reminds me of my 11th grade in the U.S., and the song My Hero from that reminds me of my brother Nathan and when I said goodbye to him one time that year, and after he left I played that song over and over. Or... well, lots of others. So I'm glad for music and it's ability to make some memories crystal clear. That can be a curse, sometimes, too. But mostly... nice.

This hasn't been humorous. But I never promised that. These entries reflect my thoughts usually, which aren't light and bouncy, but more pensive lately. Bear with me and the humor will return. That I do promise.

Nice Display

This morning I enjoyed a peaceful morning sitting outside at my friend's house, leaning back, breathing in fresh morning air. It really is so good, so needed, so amazing to just sit and do absolutely nothing sometimes. I really needed that this morning, and it helped.

At one point my eyes were fixed on an object in front of me. It was a fountain that was turned off. I looked at it, saw the base of it about half-full of water. My initial thought was, "It looks like it needs more water." It made me think, as most things do. I thought, there are times in our lives when we are a bit dry... we know we're supposed to have more water, and we want to have more water. But until that happens, what should we do? I think sometimes we behave like fountains. Once it is turned on, the water begins to flow, up up up and out the top, spraying beautifully into the next level, and further down to the next level, and the next, until the water returns to the bottom basin, and is recycled again back through the same process. It suddenly looks like the fountain is teeming with life. Anyone who passes by even stops to admire its full beauty. I think we have ways of making things look like they are going well. Many of us are able to manipulate what we have to pretend like things are better than they are. Or, taking it from another angle, we are able to make the most of what we have, turning something seemingly dry and empty into something great. But it's the former thought that was at the forefront of my mind as I sat there this morning. I thought... no matter how much water I spray around, there is still only the same amount of water in me as when the fountain was off. What is in me has not changed... only how I project it to others has.

I need to be watered.

Awkward

I'm sitting in Cincinnati, waiting for my connecting flight to San Francisco. This is the final leg of my travels. Soon (hopefully) I will join the workforce again, be studying again, be burning the midnight oil... again.

I find myself in an awkward situation sometimes. Not only when I write the word "awkward," since it just looks awkward. But also like the time when I was just buying a couple postcards from the store here in the airport. As I was getting ready to pay, the lady said "Would you like to donate a dollar to go towards research for children's diabetes?"

Great. Thanks. If I say yes, I've given a dollar to one of millions of charities that undoubtedly need the money, but I just can't give to them all. If I say no, I'm basically going to hell.

I said no. Now whenever I hear about an innocent child suffering from fluctuating sugar levels or an adult awaiting an organ transplant due to diabetes complications, or someone perhaps dying from such an affliction, I will be thinking, "Way to go, Amber. You killed her. For a dollar."

I think they should just rephrase the question, that's all. So I can feel better about being a jerk.

Demolition

People are right. It is hard to build a house. Even once you've got it built, you're constantly trying to tweak it. Change the windows, put in new carpeting, knock this wall down, knock that wall down, put that wall up, add stairs here, add a window there, push the yard back further, bring the yard in, paint the outside, paint the inside, add a garage, fill the garage with boxes so you have to add a driveway for the cars. It can sometimes seem like the house just isn't right. Sometime you can work so hard on it that all you see anymore are the individual corrections you've made, but not the house as a whole anymore. You see the scratches in the paint over there, the new floorboard in the hallway, the patched roof, the basketball hoop in the back yard. You see all the changes, one piled on top of the other, but just don't recognize the house anymore. And the harder you try to make it into the house you've dreamed of, the more it takes another shape. It is at this point that you realize that only thing left to do is knock the foundation out from under it and start over again.

I'm not saying this is what you should do or what one should always do. I'm just saying that sometimes it's the only thing left to do.

Countdown...

3 hours left. 7 pages written. 1 small container of cottage cheese eaten. 1/2 cup of black tea with sugar already seeping down my alimentary canal. Approximately 8 grapes chewed and swallowed. At least 4 trips to the bathroom in the past 12 hours. 45-minute nap time, which resulted in a 3-hour nap after constant resetting of the alarm. 5 windows open on my computer screen, and 5 piles of paper surrounding me to provide me with an inflow of information.

I will be glad when this is over and my life slims back down to the more important things in life, like eating and sleeping.

All we are saying, is give peace a chance!

Okay, so I'm a bit early this time. My paper isn't due for another 37 1/2 hours (and counting), so technically this isn't proper procrastination. I just really, really wish there was peace in the world. I want all the nations on this planet to get along, all the ethnic groups within those nations to get along, and every other possible conflicting factions to just STOP IT and hug each other. If all that really would happen, then I wouldn't be sitting here trying to gather useful information on a paper discussing "Peacekeeping and Building in the United Nations." No, sir. The least the world could do for me is just this one favor. Really, have I asked of it that much before (the answer is no, to those of you who are wondering about past requests during other painful paper-writing episodes).

I guess the easier wish would be for Friday afternoon at 4pm to be here already. Then I will have completed my very last class for my bachelor's degree. I think that might be a pretty cool feeling.

No Pain, No Gain

It had been about 6 days since I went on a jog. As usual, I sat in my chair and came up with about 43 reasons why I shouldn't jog. I'm too busy. I have too much to do today. I might miss something important somewhere else... a phone call perhaps. Maybe my apartment building will suddenly catch fire... who will be there to put it out?? But in the end I realized that for my own sake, I should go. So, I grabbed my keys, strapped my iPod to my left arm, and made a determined trip down the stairs to the street. The beginning part of a jog is never that bad. It's kind of exhilarating, actually. The music starts off at a good beat, I am still full of life, full of energy, full of optimism.

Man, how those feelings quickly fade. About 2 minutes and 20 seconds into the jog, my legs feel like they're made of lead. When I try to breathe, I feel like a fish out of water. Why aren't my lungs functioning properly? Is this NORMAL?? How come everyone else around me doesn't try to help me?!? Can't they see that I'm in PAIN??!!!!

So I slow my pace a bit. That is how I have been jogging lately: for time, not distance or speed. I want to jog for as long as possible, just to keep my heart rate up for as long as possible, even if it's not the fastest I can get it to. And today, I pushed my record a bit further. But I'll tell you what my time was at the end, otherwise you'll know how the story goes and will probably stop reading right now. So as I made my way down the path, past the river, and along the Maschsee (Masch Lake), some girl decided she would pass me. Okay fine, I can handle the people on bicycles passing me. But a fellow jogger? Please... it's already hard enough to even get myself out there. Why does she need to dishearten me by going by me... and at about double the speed I'm doing...??? So I just shouted after her, "Yeah?! Well, I'm going for TIME, not DISTANCE or SPEED!!" Feeling better after clarifying everything, I put a smile back on my face (which, while jogging, resembles more of an awkward smirk) and continued along. Before I knew it, I had been passed by at least 3 or 4 more people. I knew that perhaps jogging wasn't my greatest strength when I was passed by a woman who was seriously no younger than 83 years old. Well, good for you Grandma, but can't you see how you're sucking the motivation out of me? Clearly no one else in Hannover runs for time. However, I am proud to say that I was able to lap at least 20 people throughout the jog. I don't need to mention that they were jogging in the opposite direction, do I? It felt good passing them so quickly. It's like one minute they were in front of me, and then in the blink of an eye.... gone!

I was reminded of other times, in high school or in college, when I was not always the one at the front of the running line (... fine, I was the last one at the back). I remember telling everyone around me that I really just run to make everyone else feel better about themselves. I mean, someone has to be last. So I choose to bear that burden, just so my fellow runners can be encouraged and know that they are doing a better job than at least one other person. During today's jog, I realized that I have the gift of reaching out to people of all ages. Not only do I encourage the young, but also those who would otherwise be almost on their deathbed. I take pride in my social diversity.

When I finally finished my jog, I hit the pause button on my iPod to stop the stopwatch. How long, you might ask? I had beat my last record by 30 seconds!! So today's final time was 44 minutes. Sweeeeet. THAT, my friends, is how you jog for time. Given the pace I was going, I probably jogged at least a good half-mile. So I headed up the stairs again, and even skipped over a stair or two... you know, just to throw in a little extra cardio work... and got to my room. Sweaty and exhausted, I took my shoes and socks off, only to find that a new bubble blister had formed just under the arch of my right foot... somehow in the middle of another one that was still there from last week. I've been noticing that with these shoes lately. I've had them for 2 years, which is pretty typical for me. But the past 4 or 5 times I've gone jogging in them, I get blisters. I wonder if it's because I need new shoes, or because my feet aren't accustomed to Time Jogging... but rather the 15-minute mile Speed Jogging I used to blaze through in them before. Either way, the thought entered my head: no pain, no gain. Which I chose to translate as: the more pain, the more gain. And what is better than one blister? TWO blisters!! I obviously have gained a lot today.

So I ask you now to look at your body. Do you have any blisters? An ingrown toenail, perhaps? A scab or scratch or bruise or even a broken rib? Well... you obviously gained something for going through such pain. Why else would we experience pain? Surely not because pain is a series of nerve endings sending signals to one another until they reach the brain and register in our minds as being pain. No, that doesn't make sense. It must be because we gained something in the process. Today, I gained losing 44 minutes of my life that I will never be able to get back. What a GREAT feeling. I'll trade 44 minutes of my life for 2 blisters any day.

And just for fun, in case you want to youtube the songs or Limewire them or any other internet site that has been turned into a verb... here is my current jogging mix, which changes often:

Muse - Sunburn
Jay-Z featuring Linkin Park - Encore
Justin Timberlake - What Goes Around Comes Around
The Kooks - Naive
2raumwohnung - Ich und Elaine
Jay-Z featuring Beyonce - Me and My Girlfriend
Feist - Mushaboom
The Kooks - She Moves in Her Own Way
Green Day - Holiday
U2 - Sunday Bloody Sunday
The Offspring - The Kids Aren't Alright
Eminem - Lose Yourself
Incubus - Wish You Were Here
Cheryl Lynn - Got to Be Real

Good, fast beats. I'm looking to weed out some of them, but need them on there till I find others to replace them with. I'm open to suggestions, providing the beat is fast enough to keep me going. Just to give you a guide, I run at about 4 steps per minute. Do something for your heart today.

My Fellow Procrastinators...

Anyone who has ever been my roommate, or been in contact with me the night before I have a major assignment due, knows that I can be quite the procrastinator. Tonight for example, I should be working on a paper for my Theories of European Integration class that's due tomorrow. But it made more sense to me to start a blog. I have thought about doing it anyway. I used to have one several years back. But I want this to be a place for you and I to come together and procrastinate. You don't have to track my blog on a daily basis, since I likely won't write that often. But when those times come when there's something you REALLY need to be doing... that is when you will instead be inclined to turn your computer on, sit down with a nice cup of hot tea, and click into your bookmarks (where the link for this blog should be) and visit my blog. This is a safe place for you and I. Somewhere to escape from the outside world and its pressures and deadlines, so that we can come together with the common goal of merely... thinking. I have no clue what words I will have to keep you entertained. I can imagine that most of the time they will be rather uncreative, uninspiring. But you never know when you'll find a good nugget. I might blog once a month. I might blog three times in one day. I apologize ahead of time for the inconsistency. But I will be here, and I will read your comments... the many millions that will undoubtedly flood these posts. Don't ever doubt my loyalty to you, or my commitment to procrastination. If it wasn't for my supreme ability to procrastinate, there are a lot of things I would never have done. Any time my entire room was rearranged happened the night before a big exam or paper was due. And had I never rearranged my room.... god, who knows how my life would be now.

Surely now you understand the importance of procrastination. Join me. Read my words. Write me your thoughts. Let's share this experience together. Let's... procrastinate.