I should really be sleeping right now, since I have an early day tomorrow. So this time I'm procrastinating from sleeping - an opportunity I rarely postpone, but tonight I will.
Life has not really been going as planned lately. Not that everything is all haywire, but things just happen differently than one would expect sometimes. I find myself... confused, surprised... often. I have a job now, which I start tomorrow. But even though the job will not be all that bad, I know it's not one I'm going to want to stick with, nor do I think it will give me enough money to pay bills and move out any time soon... even though I do have to move out soon. So why did I take the job? I guess just to get a little money while I continue the job search. I've never had a job that's based 100% on commission, but this one will be, which is not going to work for me, but I'll do my best to get by till something else comes along. Then there are other areas of life. I find that lately how I respond to things that happen to me personally end up being responses that catch me off guard. Where I might've always responded one way to a situation, I find that I feel very differently now. Why is that? Why do we feel so differently when presented with exactly the same circumstances? I guess this is a good reminder that we don't always have life as figured out as we'd like to think we do. I often think that I know myself better than I know anyone. But that has been far from true these past days. So it's been weird, often unsettling, to go through this. But I guess it's good... to get to know myself again. Right?
On another note, I've started smoking again after 2 1/2 years, while simultaneously trying to get back into working out/weights/cardio stuff. Seems counter-productive, but each scratches a different itch. I also wrote another song on my guitar after also about a 2 1/2 year spell of producing nothing. Although I don't like this one... too repetitive, not creative, and the words are just ... words. Not artistic. That's when I realized that I was probably just using that time to vent and express what I've been feeling lately. And it came out as a crappy song which you will never hear. When I come up with something better, you will hear it. Probably on every radio station a million times a day.
Random other thought: now whenever I hear a Kooks song, I think of Germany, 'cause that's where I first heard the band's music. I love how music is so strongly connected to memories, 'cause my memory sucks most of the time. Like the Green Day albums Dookie, Insomniac, and Nimrod always take me back to 9th and 10th grade. Or the first Third Eye Blind album always reminds me of my 11th grade in the U.S., and the song My Hero from that reminds me of my brother Nathan and when I said goodbye to him one time that year, and after he left I played that song over and over. Or... well, lots of others. So I'm glad for music and it's ability to make some memories crystal clear. That can be a curse, sometimes, too. But mostly... nice.
This hasn't been humorous. But I never promised that. These entries reflect my thoughts usually, which aren't light and bouncy, but more pensive lately. Bear with me and the humor will return. That I do promise.
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5 comments:
A friend I used to jog with was a very heavy smoker. He used to smoke before every run we went on, since it "cleared out [his] lungs".
hmmmm... can't say my lungs feel very cleared out afterwards. i pretty much know it's not helping me out in the getting-fit department. or in the singing department either. who invented the cigarette, anyway? what a stupid idea.
Hmm, you've picked up smoking again? Awwww :( :( :( Hopefully you give it up quickly.
On a side note, this blue text is almost impossible for me to read. I like the design but it's not very functional for me.
Anyways, I can understand what you are going through. I'll pray you find a better job that is more like what you want. It doesn't sound like this new one is anything close to what you originally wanted.
hey... thanks for what you wrote. i lightened up the text a bit. is it any better? i've been messing around (as you've seen i'm sure) with the coloring anyway, so i can always totally change it again. but does the lighter text make it alright, or still difficult?
i guess eyesight is the first thing to go in your 30s... ;)
the light blue is much better. generally i prefer a dark text on light background, but this works.
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