Open Mic

I performed my first open mic ever last night. I was sooooooo nervous for the time leading up to my song. Once I started strumming, it didn't all melt away, but it felt more comfortable. It was so weird hearing my voice through a microphone. Much, much, MUCH different than when I just play in my room. Kind of sounded to me like I was flat the whole time, 'cause it was difficult to match up my voice (which sounded like it was 3 feet in front of me) with my guitar. But I just figured, I've played half the song flat already, might as well finish it flat and be consistent. But I guess it wasn't really flat. I'm rambling... but that kind of reflects my immediate mood after finishing playing. I had the jitters, couldn't stop smiling... it was good. I'm glad my friends encouraged my to do it, and that so many of them showed up to support me! Got some good feedback from other bar patrons, too. Overall, an excellent night. I don't know how to post videos on blogs, so if anyone knows, I'd love the input. For now, go to my friend Roger's youtube video that he took:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UAp4wit-4vU

Persons with Disabilities

It's been interesting to observe how people interact with my boss, Julie. Julie has cerebral palsy and uses a wheelchair to get around. No matter someone's background, people are typically very nice to her and even go out of their way to open a door, say "Have a nice day," or some other nice gesture. I often hear discussion about the fact that racism still exists in our country/world. But it's been interesting to see that race doesn't play into this situation. The kind of responses I see from people around Julie are all the same, said with the same tone and intent regardless of what race the person saying it is.

I'm not really sure how my thoughts will develop until I write it out, but basically it got me thinking. Julie has a disability that is obvious to the eye. It is a physical disability. People notice it and feel that their response should be to behave nicer to her than they would normally do to another person. It got me thinking... I wonder how life would be if the "disability" or "disabilities" each of us have were obvious, or possible to be physically seen by others. Not that emotional or some other kind of baggage counts as a disability, but I guess I'm thinking of the things in our lives that really alter our approach in life, or how we are/aren't capable of dealing with various life situations. Maybe someone had a traumatic experience in their childhood - or even the day before... like some life-changing experience where they are left seemingly permanently altered. There will now be certain situations where they will never be able to handle what is going on. Not that this is a disability. But it is, nevertheless, who they are now.

Again, not really sure what I'm getting at. I don't think I have a point. I just wonder if we would interact with those around us differently, with strangers on the street differently, if we were able to see immediately the kind of things going on in their lives.

One stupid comparison I have made is comparing Julie's disability to traumatic events in others' lives. Julie doesn't see her disability as a tragedy. When asked if she had the choice to not be disabled, she said she wouldn't choose that - she would remain disabled. It is all she has known of life, and doesn't bother her. So I am insensitive for making such a comparison. But these are thoughts that have stemmed from being out and about with Julie, so I'm just being honest and trying to hash through what's going on in my mind, regardless of the fact that it reveals me as being a bit of a jerk.

I want to try to remember this and when I see people on the street or people I know really well... I want to remember that they probably have had something crazy happen in their life, whether years ago or moments ago. Not that we all need to be catered to or treated like we live in a thin, glass cage that's about to crack and burst. But maybe I should at least keep in mind that you never really know what someone has gone through in their life. You don't know someone's story... and we all have a story. We ALL have a story.

New Year

I thought of writing about the things I would like to focus on in the New Year... 2009. I guess in a way, that's what I'll be doing. But what I wanted to do was briefly reflect on my 2008. I'm pretty happy with how the year went. It was definitely an eventful one for me. I finished my degree. I went to Germany. I moved to Oakland. I got a job that was NOT the graveyard shift... breath of fresh air. It really felt like a year of new beginnings for me. I ended a long relationship, so it was also a year of endings.

I think back about 2008 and what comes to mind is faces. The people I saw the first few months... the new people I met when I went to Germany... the people I was reunited with when I came back... the new people I've met just in the past few months... I guess I'm just really grateful to have these people in my life. And sad that I can't keep Victor in my life in some way. What would we all be without each other? The true necessity of each person in my life is felt when they are no longer a part of it, or not as present in it as they once were. Each person really brings out something different in me. I wonder what I bring out in each of them, if anything at all?

This year has no foreseeable big changes coming. If I do pursue a second degree in nursing, I won't be ready to start that till at least 2010. So I plan to continue working at my job, stay in the Oakland area, and... that's about it as far as big plans go for this year. I will have a new nephew in February or March. That's big. And I'll finally be playing basketball again. That's really big for me. And play at my first open mic. It'll be interesting to look back in a year and see what else has filled in the gaps. I wonder what new faces I will see when I reflect on 2009. Or if any faces I currently see will no longer be in the picture.

Who did you start your New Year with? I started mine with my best friend, Kristen. I was exactly where I wanted to be at 12:01am. Then I had a great car ride up later in the day as I drove back up to the Bay area with a couple of good friends. With people like this in my life, no wonder it's hard those evenings I have nothing planned after work. I wonder to myself why I'm not with one of these amazing people in my life? So then I pick up my phone...

I hope you've been calling people, seeing people, writing to people. Do it, if you haven't been.

Sentimental Sunday

Lots has happened since the last blog. The only thing I will specifically mention is that the Cubs not only did not make it to the World Series, but they didn't even win a single playoff game. Swept by the Dodgers. One more reason why I don't like L.A.

I am finding that I have more people in my life who care about me than I often realize. This is such a wonderful thing... but I can't figure out how it came to be this way. I'm not sure what has happened over the course of the past 25 years, but I managed to acquire the best group of friends and family possible. It doesn't matter where I go or how we met or what our connection is to this or that. I am so overwhelmed by the people in my life. I don't deserve all of you, but will hold you tight as long as I possibly can, till you turn blue and go limp.

CUBS WIN!! HOLY COW!!!

Quiz: What Chicago commentator said that line? It's really easy if you watched even the slightest bit of baseball growing up.

Until 2008 baseball is over, my blog will remain red white and blue in honor of my boys, the Chicago Cubs. I have for years been predicting a 2008 World Series victory.... it's the 100 year anniversary since they last won it, and 8 is my jersey number. It only makes sense. So sit back and watch. They clinched a spot in the playoffs on Saturday. October, here we come!

So I apologize for the annoying colors, and the fact that they didn't have royal blue, which is what color it should be. But I love my team with a dying passion that is much too strong considering the fact that I will never know any of these individuals in reality. But I love what they do and the city and fans they represent. .... or something like that.

Any guesses on who they'll face in the World Series? At this point in time, I'm gonna guess maybe the Red Sox... who will either get the wild card or win their division within the next week. If the Cubs do make it, I am going to sell my soul and buy tickets to a World Series game at Wrigley.

Scatterbrained

Does anyone else do these things, or just me? Yesterday I was leaving the store that I will potentially become an assistant manager at, if all goes well (since I haven't technically started the new job I got... I decided to pursue this when they showed interest in hiring me). I was just finalizing my conversation with the store manager. She was wishing me well, and I was thanking her for the chance to come by and observe how the store operates... so then she said bye and I said bye and thanks... and then as the door was half-closed, I heard her say something else. So I kinda grabbed the door and looked back and said, "Sorry? I didn't catch that." And she just looked back, still smiling, and said, "Oh nothing, I was just saying goodbye and take care." So now I'm standing there holding the door...

...

"Oh yeah. Okay, yeah you too. Bye!"

Awkward. Then the other day I was leaving WalMart. You know how they have someone check your receipt on your way out the door? Well, I come along with my stuff, hand the nice man my receipt, and I ask him "How you doin?" While he puts a yellow marker streak across my receipt, he answers, "I'm doin' well. How's everything going for you?" And as he is handing me my receipt, I answer back, "I'm doing well, thanks. How are you?"

... I had apparently forgotten that I already asked him that. Instead of just staring back at me with a blank expression, which I would've expected, the man was kind enough to just re-answer my question... "I'm doing well. Take care, Miss."

It's not that I wasn't paying attention to him. I'm not one of those people who asks a question and doesn't wait for or listen to the answer. I just really wanted to make sure he knew that I was interested in how his day was going... so I asked him twice... (?) This doesn't happen often with me, but from time to time I get these moments of just not communicating well with people. How you doin? Good, you? Yes, I'm good too. How about you? No? You don't want to play this game? Come on, it'll be fun! Watch, now I'll tag you and run around the building and you'll have to chase me.

OCD

I don't think I have it, OCD, but there are things I can be really anal about. Not sure why. I've been noticing it lately, and I don't know how long this one has been going on for... like last weekend. I was the only one home all weekend, so was the only one adding dishes to the dishwasher during that time. Whenever I put silverware in it, I always put one in each little silverware basket thing (you know those little sections). Then when it was time to double-up, I made sure there were exactly two in each thing, and then moved on to three when the time came. Everything had to be even. Why? Details like this are completely unimportant and make no difference in life. Why was that important and how long have I been doing this?

I do other things that aren't really OCD, but are probably totally unnecessary. Like my car's inside light. I always leave it on the off setting, so it never comes on even when I open my door. I set it that way a couple years ago when I was spending lots of time in East Oakland... not the safest part of Oakland. I would often get home from work early in the morning from working a semi-graveyard shift, and wouldn't want the light in my car to reveal that I was a woman, and a white woman at that. So it was a safety thing. But I no longer frequent that part of the city, yet I leave the light at that setting. Why? Just in case? I no longer have that concern. Even when in Oakland, I felt like if I had ever been approached, I would've put up a pretty good fight (not that my swinging fists would've been much of a match for guns, but still... I'd be lying if I said I never imagined taking down a petty thug with my ready and able fisted knuckles). But it's really not an issue any more, nor is it something I think/worry about. But the light continues to remain off at all times.

When I'm walking to my car, no matter where I'm coming from or what time of day or what city I'm in, I always pull my keys out ahead of time, and have my car key ready to go so I can unlock the door as soon as I approach the vehicle. Why? To save time... yes, I suppose. And just in case the situation changes so that for some reason I have to very quickly enter my car and get the engine going and squeal away. ... ?????

The toilet paper HAS to come over the top of the roll.

There are things that I feel like I obsess about without realizing it. And probably without really caring whether or not they remain the way I prefer them to remain. But then I can be a total mess with how things are kept in my room... or just have far-from-organized habits in so many other aspects of my life. Maybe that's normal. It seems normal, 'cause that seems pretty balanced then, doesn't it? Because I'm so focused on completely useless organization in some areas, I can neglect such organization in other areas. ...? Any other neat freaks and slobs out there?